Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

I just tested negative for patience.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

New favorite tiktok

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post