Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.