Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

ㅤ

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”