Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
marvel comics have peaked
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow