Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless