Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river