Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that