Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*