Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.