Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
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me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.