Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home