Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future