Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Fight
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
crazy
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?