Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
moms in horror movies
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
True.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.