Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You Might Also Like
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*