Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

live long and prosper!

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*