Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Lucky for them, they’re cute
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
i can’t wait that long
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*