Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.