Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Word!