Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.