FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
tfw you realize …
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*offers Batman cough drops*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.