FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Monday
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Woke up against my better judgement again
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Yup.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out