Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
airing out the snack pack
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
shit, they caught us—run!!!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.