Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what