Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her