Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

Favourite diary entry ever

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

No regrets in 2018

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral