Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.