wut hotdog?
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Brother?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Oh hi lol
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok