Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

Camping tip: No.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

beware of dog

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

Home #decor warning.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.