Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
You Might Also Like
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave