Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
excuse me
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big