Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*gets down on one knee*
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.