Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
How animals would run if they were human
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.