Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
You Might Also Like
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
My dating profile:
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
my sentiments exactly
