Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I just love that new Pope smell.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast