Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady