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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Truly one of the great bangers
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!