Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Rambo Rambow

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.