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I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
can’t talk my ride’s here
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
🤣🤣🤣
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.