Fun like a LinkedIn notification
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
your honor my client chooses dare
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My dad is at it again
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful