Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.