Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
me adding lol on a serious message
buys donuts instead
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
This cat wants you to take your pills
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*