Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.