Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My what?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Pat is about to own someone
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Worth the read.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’