Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
saw this in a dream
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.