Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

Cause of death: Zumba

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.