Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”