Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Hell yeah 👍
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Guys, I found it.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
twitter is a journey
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.