Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant