Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.