Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Damn what did I do next

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no