HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Her: I like old fashioned men
Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist
please enjoy this masterpiece I spent way too long creating
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it