@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

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@ArfMeasures

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

@biggt1973

Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana

@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@Love_bug1016

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

@Lowenaffchen

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”