fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please