[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
this is funnier than any friends episode
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?