Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?