Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.