Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

me and who

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

me doing my best

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Best spoiler warning ever

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.