Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

#ProTip

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.