Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means