Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex