Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

😂😂

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

No regrets in 2018

This is no longer an app but a mishapp