Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
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Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet