Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
lmfao come on
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
me, after any kind of buffet.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
😂🖐️
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.