Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

the icebreaker

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

That’s it.I’m out.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.