Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice