Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
This is enough internet for the day.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window