Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

this is literally a CIA plant

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Follow me for more life hacks.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what