Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

lol

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

My inexpensive home security system…

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

going to the ER y’all need anything

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Education is vital

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”