Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin