Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

🤣

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks