Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.