Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.