Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Don’t snitch tag.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?