Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.