Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof