Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Who.
Did.
This?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
