Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Shower sex be like:
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies