Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.