Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

my sentiments exactly

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.