Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”