fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river

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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside


Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out



her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no


If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.


*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*


Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.


There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus


Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke