Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
fun prank: text a girl “we need to talk right now” and then throw your phone into a river
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If Batman exists, he’s doing a shitty job.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke