Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
We need it on priority
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
bros in the example zone 😭
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm