Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.