3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
One venti cheeseburger please.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.
Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.