Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”