Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..