Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.