Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I mean…but I did
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3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating