Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..